Yesterday Sadie would have turned three. I can only wonder what she would have been like, what her interests would be, what she would have wanted for her birthday. For the rest of my life, all I will be able to do is wonder. And that hurts like hell.
We continued our tradition of celebrating Sadie on her birthday by having cake and blowing out a candle for her, and doing something with the boys to benefit kids. This year we brought donations and dinner to a local youth shelter called The Relatives. The Relatives provides a SAFE place for youth aged 7 to 17 who have runaway from home, are homeless, or who are experiencing other crisis situations and need a place to go. We were able to eat dinner with both the residents and those that work there. We sat around a big table together, ate tacos, and learned about each other. It was an amazing experience, one that I most likely would not have had if not for Sadie. I love that we honor Sadie on her birthday in this way.
As another year passes without her, I can't help but think about time. Before Sadie died, I subscribed to the belief that time heals all wounds. Now I know better. Time has taken the few memories I have of my daughter, her smell, the feel of her weight in my arms and the softness of her hair, and carries me farther away from them. Time continues, and will continue, to bring birthdays, holidays, firsts days of school, and graduations that should have been, but will never be. Living with a heartbreak so massive is a daily, sometimes hourly battle. This heartbreak is not something that is healed by time, instead it is something that those of us who have lost children learn to carry with us. Learning to carry the grief, the anger, the sadness and the brokenness takes a whole lot of work. And it is work that lasts a lifetime.